2019-2020 was an exercise in teaching our elementary school-aged children personal finance, driving independence, and encouraging them to make constrained resource decisions.
Chores and family responsibilities are critical for several reasons. Selfishly, they make parents' lives easier when everyone pitches in. This is the least of the benefits however, when trying to raise productive members of society.
Research has shown that children who have household and family responsibilities develop stronger executive skills, higher self-esteems, and greater senses of responsibility. They get the self-satisfaction that accompanies the sense of accomplishment and belonging to something greater than themselves.
While no seven-year-old will ever appreciate this, you are planting seeds that are more stubborn than any weed on earth. They will germinate within and serve your children well.
It is important that kids view themselves as vital parts of the family, and that what they do matters. Feeling connected to others has been proven to bolster self-esteem, self-worth, and self-control. These feelings matter when the child is trying to decide how to handle peer pressure. Do they give in to their peer group, or stay true to the values that their family unit has laid down? The stronger the sense of family, connection, and shared values are, the higher the likelihood that they will make choices aligned with the family’s values.
On top of feelings of worth and value, performing acts of service to the family gives each child confidence and life skills. We won’t be there forever to spot Baby Girl a $20, pick up after Little Man or wash Wee One’s clothes, nor should we be.
They need to know how to handle their own hygiene, manage their living space, feed themselves, look after other living things (pet, houseplant, or younger family members), and know how to contribute to a household in general. The more they practice, the more these activities become non-events. Children grow into young adults who are fully capable of taking care of themselves. This is what we are meant to do as parents - raise adults.
The more they can manage their day to day lives AND their finances, the less likely they will be to boomerang home later in life. While being compassionate when a grown child needs a helping hand, we want that to be a low-probability, short-term exception, not the norm.
If you have ever had a roommate from Hades or if your spouse never learned how to get along without Mama, you know exactly what I am getting at. Sometimes it even spills over into workplace behaviors. Don’t let your kids be that crappy roommate, spouse, or coworker. It will damage relationships, possibly fatally. I write from experience.
Chores should be age-appropriate in both quantity, complexity, and standards of execution. Here are some of my best ideas for age-appropriate household contributions. Otherwise, a quick Google search will generate several million options to spark your imagination.
On their first several attempts at a new task, you will need to be more involved, modeling the activity and helping the little ones learn how to actually do the work. As they have several at-bats at the activity, then the child should be given the opportunity to do it solo.
While perfection out of the gates is unfair to expect, make sure that you are upholding a certain standard of “done.” If you go back afterwards to finish it up, you are telling your child that it’s ok to be half-assed about their work. What they do doesn’t actually matter, and someone else will fix it anyway. Quality is someone else’s job. They aren’t good enough. This is a terrible message to send to your protégé.
The last advice I’d offer is to make it fun wherever possible. Let them have a say in who gets / has to do what. Rotate amongst them who gets first pick, or cycle through the desirable and undesirable activities. Nobody likes the dog poop clean-up, and everybody loves to get to wind the grandfather clock. By rotating the best and worst, and allowing them some choice in the ones in between, it gives them more sense of control.
Otherwise, if it’s possible to channel your inner Mary Poppins and find a way to make chores fun, by all means do it. If the kids want to draw pictures in the dust or pollen before wiping it away, let them. If they enjoy vacuuming patterns in the carpet, as long as they cover the whole floor space, so what? Maybe there is a bonus for chores done by a certain deadline, or the child gets to pick one household activity to be done together with a parent.
The goal is to get the work done while teaching life skills and making your child stronger. It’s NOT to make everyone miserable on a weekly basis.
In exchange for household contributions, we pay our children an allowance. It's an all-or-nothing deal. They either complete everything they're asked to do, or they forfeit all of their pay. Oh - and they still need to do the work anyway. This teaches two real-life lessons:
You don't get paid for incomplete work. Seriously - would you pay a plumber who only fixed half the backed up toilet?
You're expected to contribute to the family regardless of compensation. Consider free room and board to be your payment. You're welcome for the allowance, kiddo.
When we rolled out the concept of regular allowance and chores, all three started as surprisingly willing helpers. Each had been doing some work to help the family throughout the week, and there was more to do. I made up a modest list for the weekend:
Clean rooms (x3)
Vacuum rooms (x3)
Empty dishwasher (LM)
Empty trash bins and replace bin liners (BG)
Right-side out laundry and start a load (LM)
Pick up dog poop from the yard and put it in the compost bin (5 piles per person).
There was a flurry of excitement and anticipation, blended with the occasional argument (who got to vacuum first), punctuated with the unexpected collaboration and kindness as Little Man helped Baby Girl carry the vacuum back down the stairs.
Everyone’s least favorite chore is cleaning up after the dog. On one hand, it’s a scavenger hunt. It's also gross. All three agreed that having the dog and receiving their allowance made it worth it though.
Some weeks we meet more resistance and more willingness than others. One week the youngest decided she wasn’t going to do her weekend chores. She was asked and reminded several times, then ultimately received no weekly allowance. It was pointed out later when the children were reviewing their ledger updates, to make sure the consequences of non-participation were not lost on any of them. If it becomes a pattern, the consequences will become more impactful, but one year into this, two children have minimally opted out; one once and one twice. That's a pretty good success rate.
Some weeks we ask more of them, and other weeks less. Regardless, insisting on housework participation teaches life skills. It spreads the burdens of home upkeep across the family, and it gives them something to feel proud of in exchange for giving them purchasing power. Overall, this has been another win - BIG TIME.
Stephanie Brooke Lennon is the author of Family Bank Blueprint, GoldQuest, and What Would Water Do? Simple Strategies for Navigating Life's Obstacles. Her titles are available in Paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com. Follow Stephanie Brooke on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, Amazon, and at BrookeLennon.com.